imworriedmytherapisthatesme

Self-Reflection

Do other people notice how strange the mirror image of my face is?… You know what’s embarrassing? When your therapist asks you to hide your self-view because she can tell you are watching yourself and getting distracted. But really – does anyone actually look at the people they are video calling with? I know forContinue reading “Self-Reflection”

Literature and Art

You know what’s super depressing? Revisiting your favorite children’s books and realizing you can’t read them to your own kids, or that if you do you must also have conversations about imperialism, racism, body image, or sexism. Poor Curious George – a colonizer with a big yellow hat literally steals him from Africa, puts himContinue reading “Literature and Art”

Fantasies

The hottest man I have ever known in real life was my comparative religion professor in college. I have absolutely no idea what I learned from him, though I’m sure he is brilliant, because I was much too busy waiting for him to lick his lips and watching his floppy hair fall effortlessly over hisContinue reading “Fantasies”

Star Student

My mom and I are very close. Some may say too close, but I think the adult daughters who DON’T contact their mommies at least 12 times a day are the ones with a problem. Basically, my mom is my 24/7 live-stream therapist, a service I now see being advertised on CNN. She knows everyContinue reading “Star Student”

Potty Talk

My cross to bear in life is a superb sense of smell. Seriously, I don’t know why I’m doing these little doodles when I could have been the most successful sommelier. I always know exactly where my husband has been and what he has eaten – even when he tries to sneak. The other dayContinue reading “Potty Talk”

Barbies, Babies, and Puffy Coats

One of the greatest offenses my mother committed was her desire to keep us bundled up and warm – even on the most important of holidays: Halloween. To this day, Halloween is still my favorite holiday – I’ve never missed a year of dressing up. And the point of dressing up, let’s be honest, isContinue reading “Barbies, Babies, and Puffy Coats”

Pacifiers

I used a pacifier – or as my family calls it, a woobie, until I was very old. Too old. So old, I have completely fleshed-out memories of my beloved woobies being taken from me forever. To try to ease the transition, my mom made me a woobie pillow. Basically she sewed my woobies betweenContinue reading “Pacifiers”

Tongue Hockey

My first kiss was from a knight. I was 10. We were on a date – with 500 others – at that famously romantic establishment: Medieval Times. The yellow knight and I locked eyes. I can still feel them penetrating my soul. Then, as if in slow motion, my knight reached down into his pouch,Continue reading “Tongue Hockey”

Exercise

In my opinion, the only reason to exercise is to rationalize the purchase of over-priced athleisure. Gym class in grade school was awful, but might have been more tolerable if the uniforms we had to wear weren’t so awful. It’s bad enough in middle school to be forced to change in a locker room fullContinue reading “Exercise”

The Post Office

I am extremely afraid of the post office. It’s definitely a real phobia, though I’ve looked it up and there is no official name for it. The fear comes from a history of horrifying experiences. The first of which happened in high school when my mom ran into the post office while I stayed inContinue reading “The Post Office”