Exercise

In my opinion, the only reason to exercise is to rationalize the purchase of over-priced athleisure. Gym class in grade school was awful, but might have been more tolerable if the uniforms we had to wear weren’t so awful. It’s bad enough in middle school to be forced to change in a locker room full of Regina George’s, but to then have to wear the same tomato-red shirt as your stick-thin best friend in front of the boy you liked was pure torture. These days, I only exercise in style, which may explain why I haven’t worked out in 10 months – who’s to appreciate my little costumes in quarantine?…

It’s very hard for me to remember that sport teams don’t wear costumes – they wear uniforms. It really irks my husband when I call out the door to our son “you forgot your soccer costume!” But let’s be honest – isn’t that exactly what those funny-colored matching tight football pants are?…

Once my husband bet me that he could name more musicals than I could name sport’s teams. I accepted this challenge, assuming I could name all the animals and American Indian groups I knew and come up with a pretty lengthy list. However, as we took turns naming Broadway shows and teams, and as my husband insisted I needed to know what city each team played for, it became apparent to both of us that I only knew a handful. Apparently there is no football team called the “Mermen” or the “Unicorns,” though I maintain these would be perfect team names…

Around 20 years ago, my grandfather who is now in his 90s, was told by his doctor that he needed to start exercising to combat some health problems. My grandpa is a brilliant and logical man who spent his career inventing computers for IBM. He went home from his appointment, went straight to his office and did some calculations. 20 minutes later he came out and announced to my grandma that the amount of time he would spend exercising (wasting time) would be greater than the potential number of extra years he could live. And he has never worked out a day in his life…

My grandparents still have this unused piece of exercise equipment in their basement that my brother and I were not supposed to play on, but which we did anyway. Looking back, I think this could have been some weird S & M machine, regardless of the “Norditrack” logo…

Working out at the gym is an unpleasant experience for many reasons, not the least of which are the shocking noises men think are acceptable to make while lifting weights and using machinery. It is NOT okay for grown men to sound like seals or lions in public. The grunts and groans that fill a gym are truly obscene. I do not wish to be violated by said noise while I promenade my little outfits…