1. You fall asleep in the dentist’s chair even though, apparently, you have “severe” gingivitis (because you lost your floss months ago and keep forgetting to replace it so that you can at least pretend to have decent hygiene), a slight phobia of the dentist, and an Apple watch that keeps pinging you and who you are sure must be the nurse at school…
2. You make 5 different dinners every night that no one consumes and have convinced yourself that foods – like hot dogs, deli turkey, and ice cream – that you once believed were “unhealthy” and “impure,” do, in fact, have nutritional value (ice cream is basically milk, right?) and that if at least one of these basic food groups have been eaten you are satisfied with the well-balanced meal. Plus, if all foods must be dipped in ketchup for you not to listen to an entire meal of whining, then so be it. You will happily buy a large bottle of this life-saving condiment every-other-week…
3. Your most frequent form of exercise is wrestling tiny sociopaths into socks/shoes/carseats in a calm enough manner that the neighbors don’t contemplate calling child services on you…
4. Pickles count as vegetables, right? Especially if they are smothered in ketchup…
5. You dream of a day when you might once again poop in private. When a shower is a solo (unless the object of said shower is more sexual than cleanly in nature) activity and you don’t have to feel guilty for taking the extra 3 min. to shave your legs…you know, in the off-chance that you might opt into a partner-sort-of-shower later…
