Phone Fears

WARNING: I’m about to get hella meta (and just a little bit needy). But since my friends have stopped engaging me in this particular line of neurotic, I have no choice but to whine to you. So here’s my confession: 80% of my self-worth comes from social media. Maybe 85%. Unless I share that creative craft I did with my kids with the world – and get the proper feedback – it may as well have not taken place. Who cares that I have built a wonderful life for myself: loving husband, great kids, a comfortable home. None of that means anything unless it garners impressive #s of likes. I was working towards a healthier relationship with my phone (setting it aside during meals, practicing self-control during date nights, and even implementing no-phone Shabbat). And then I started this blog. Naturally, a day or 2 after I Amazon Primed a strap for my phone so it can be on me at all times. In case, God forbid, my watch doesn’t ping me with notifications as they come in. And I am so appreciative of my growing following. I love reading all the comments and feeling like I’m connecting with people. But you know what’s a shitty feeling? When you go to check your # of followers and watch in real-time as you lose one! I didn’t know that was a thing when my only followers were long-lost high school frenemies and my doting mother. And look, intellectually I get it: I’m not everyone’s cup of tea/you didn’t realize how often I’d post and my black and white scribbles are keeping you from seeing and liking all the newborn pics from co-workers. And how irritating that Instagram won’t let me know who these haters are so I can stalk them to figure out what went wrong with us! I know I shouldn’t dwell on these traumatic moments, I have kids to feed and a husband to argue with, after all. But this phone has brought out the very worst side of my obsessive need to please…

Sometimes when I’m bored I find my fingers taking me to my Amazon app and my mind desperately trying to remember what household items we need that I might be able to buy to satisfy my shopping urge. Inevitably the TP/detergent/light bulbs don’t cost quite enough to get the free overnight shipping, and why wait 2 days for something when there are people whose job it is to stay up all night just to make sure our new vacuum arrives by 4 AM instead of noon. So the responsible thing to do in these circumstances is spend 30 min-I hr going deep into the app, searching for toys my kids don’t need and essential oils I will never remember we have. Because I am a grown-up, and it is my job to save $2.99 on shipping!

Published by imworriedmytherapisthatesme

I'm a history-PhD-turned-stay-at-home-mom of three. When I'm not microwaving Trader Joe's meals for my kids, breaking up fights and wiping butts, I like to paint and write. To cope with the endless hours I'm spending with my son doing virtual school, I've abandoned my gouache paints for the more portable, less messy tried but true, paper and ink. While he learns to read to 20 floating heads on his screen, I sit on a tiny chair, at a tiny table pretending to be a productive adult.

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