Phone Fears

WARNING: I’m about to get hella meta (and just a little bit needy). But since my friends have stopped engaging me in this particular line of neurotic, I have no choice but to whine to you. So here’s my confession: 80% of my self-worth comes from social media. Maybe 85%. Unless I share that creative craft I did with my kids with the world – and get the proper feedback – it may as well have not taken place. Who cares that I have built a wonderful life for myself: loving husband, great kids, a comfortable home. None of that means anything unless it garners impressive #s of likes. I was working towards a healthier relationship with my phone (setting it aside during meals, practicing self-control during date nights, and even implementing no-phone Shabbat). And then I started this blog. Naturally, a day or 2 after I Amazon Primed a strap for my phone so it can be on me at all times. In case, God forbid, my watch doesn’t ping me with notifications as they come in. And I am so appreciative of my growing following. I love reading all the comments and feeling like I’m connecting with people. But you know what’s a shitty feeling? When you go to check your # of followers and watch in real-time as you lose one! I didn’t know that was a thing when my only followers were long-lost high school frenemies and my doting mother. And look, intellectually I get it: I’m not everyone’s cup of tea/you didn’t realize how often I’d post and my black and white scribbles are keeping you from seeing and liking all the newborn pics from co-workers. And how irritating that Instagram won’t let me know who these haters are so I can stalk them to figure out what went wrong with us! I know I shouldn’t dwell on these traumatic moments, I have kids to feed and a husband to argue with, after all. But this phone has brought out the very worst side of my obsessive need to please…

Sometimes when I’m bored I find my fingers taking me to my Amazon app and my mind desperately trying to remember what household items we need that I might be able to buy to satisfy my shopping urge. Inevitably the TP/detergent/light bulbs don’t cost quite enough to get the free overnight shipping, and why wait 2 days for something when there are people whose job it is to stay up all night just to make sure our new vacuum arrives by 4 AM instead of noon. So the responsible thing to do in these circumstances is spend 30 min-I hr going deep into the app, searching for toys my kids don’t need and essential oils I will never remember we have. Because I am a grown-up, and it is my job to save $2.99 on shipping!