Executive Mal-functioning

I have this stack of planners, calendars and journals on my bedside table whose sole purpose is to shame and nag me. The pile continues to grow every time I spot one too beautiful NOT to buy at the Paper Source, or each time I open Instagram to feel bad about my parenting/body/wardrobe and am told by their advertising gods that if I buy this new kind of planner AND enroll in their online course in this very specific type of journaling, I too will end up the kind of parent I want to be with the body and wardrobe I’m meant to have. For the most part these planners remain empty and my life remains unchanged, except for the guilt, which grows as this stack becomes ever-more unstable. Really, how hard would it be to write just one line a day about my life, especially since setting aside these few minutes is apparently the key to happiness and gratitude. And what kind of mother can’t be bothered to write down the exact place and time of her child’s first word/step/lost tooth? As my self-esteem slips away with these memories, I find myself ever-more invested in my abusive relationship with these books. And tomorrow I’m confident everything will change when the mailman delivers the journal I found 2 nights ago which I know will be the answer…

Why can’t I keep any plants alive? It makes no sense that a person in charge of keeping 3 little humans alive should fail so consistently when it comes to flora. Even succulents and orchids, which supposedly need very little upkeep, enter my home to die. I so want to have one of those houses filled with green life and perfumed flowers, to be a person who revels in that new bud. But I am coming to terms with the fact that truly, basil bought from the store does the same job as the fresh stuff my neighbor gathers from her garden. And really, who ever has enough pesto when they attempt to make it themself?…

I have never known what it’s like to have any concept of where I am in space. Honestly, if you gave me $1 million I could not tell you which direction is north (to be continued)…